Monday, April 27, 2009

Approaching the 12 week mark.

And honestly? Its kinda scaring me. See, 12 weeks is when it's considered ok to start telling people. I know, I know. It's all over my blog. Technically I told the world at like 4 weeks. So it should be cake to just make an announcement on myspace, or change my status on facebook. Scares the hell out of me. I think it's sinking more and more in lately. The closer I get to 2nd tri, the more likely it is that we are actually going to end up with a baby at the end of this. Stupid, I know. We'd been trying for more than 6 months! Shouldn't we have guessed that once it worked, we'd have a baby? Honest answer? No. I never thought we would just be able to get pregnant, and not have another ectopic. Contrary to my usual positive self, I've been very worse case scenario about this whole thing. I don't know what that means. I don't really think it means anything. I'm sure it's pretty normal. Or maybe it isn't, and I'm just a freak. Whatever.

I think I need to say that I am thrilled to be pregnant, and I have been blessed with a really easy pregnancy so far. Maybe that's part of the problem, maybe if I had crazy food aversions, or morning sickness, or any of the unpleasant parts of pregnancy, I wouldn't feel like such an imposter. I feel like it shouldn't be this easy to be pregnant, so therefore something is wrong. And at my next appointment, they'll say "Oh! Look at that! It wasn't a baby, just a weird cyst this whole time!" or something equally stupid. Which I logically know will not happen. But, there haven't been very many easy things about my life. Why should pregnancy be one of them?

Anyway, so I'm starting to have mini-panic attacks about letting the cat out of the bag. I don't actually have to tell, do I? Can I just wait until it's obvious and let people find out on their own? There are more people that know now (work, acquaintances, people I've never met) than I ever wanted, and whenever I find out that yet another person knows, I get hit with a wave of terror. I don't understand. It's like I don't want to talk about it. Which is absurd, because I talk about being pregnant all the time on the internets. But its like I want to keep this our little secret...

Can I pretend to be one of those women who didn't know they were pregnant? And just show up somewhere with a baby in November? Or would that be crazy.... Pin It


Samantha said...

lol. no, you aren't crazy! i'm starting to get a little panicky as well. as much as i want my belly to get bigger so people can actually tell i'm pregnant (and for my peace of mind that I actually am), last night I freaked out realizing just how big I am going to get, and I was like, "I don't want my belly getting huge!". lol.