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Thursday, August 7, 2008

Defeated

I feel defeated.

I feel like I had everything going in the direction that I wanted it to, and now it's stopped. And it hurts.

I'll start from the beginning.

It all started when Lisa pointed me in the direction of this blog. It's one womans story of life, loss and God. You'll have to read it from the beginning to truly understand. It is possibly the saddest and yet most beautiful and encouraging tale I have ever seen, heard, or read. Her words affected me on many levels. As a woman, my heart ached for her loss. She is surviving things that I can only imagine in nightmares. As a stranger, I admire her openess and honesty. In a time where you would expect her to curl up in a ball and shut out the world, she has chosen instead to embrace it. As a Christian, I envy her faith. Through all the struggles and pain, she does not waiver. Many people in her situation curse Him, she thanks Him. Where many would have turned and ran, she calls Him closer. My heart breaks with the weight of not knowing Him the way she does. Of not embracing Him at every chance.

Those of you who know me well know that I am a reader. I live and breath the books I read. I once read a book about a girl who's legs were paralyzed in an auto accident, and for a couple of hours, I had actually convinced myself that I could not walk. When I was reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, I would catch myself at odd times during the day thinking to myself "I can't wait to get home and tell Hermione about this!" before remembering that these people were not my friends, not even real. Simply well written characters on a page. Needless to say, reading Angie's blog wan an emotional ride, yet I couldn't put it down.

Scott asked why I was crying. "Well, there's this lady in Tennessee..." and on with the story. I told him that my heart hurt for the pain she was put through, and that I was sad and afraid that I wouldn't know the strength of faith that she showed. And that I was sad that he wouldn't either. What I didn't realize, is that by saying that, I was invalidating his beliefs. Scott is an Aetheist. I don't think I really understood the full impact of that staement until that night. I knew he didn't believe, but I didn't know the full extent. And I didn't realize how offensive my desire for him to know the Lord wouldd be. I don't pressure him, I don't take him to church, I don't push him at all. I thought that was enough.

Seeing me so affected by a stranger triggered his protective nature. He doesn't like to see me hurting. He doesn't want me to do anything baby related until we know we have a viable pregnancy. He feels that if we don't get pregnant, it will kill me. So no more nest, no more baby blogs, no more Joey's. While I understand the sentiment, I have to disagree. The sites that I visit are IF related. Not all puppies and rainbows and flawless birth stories. These are real women, with real problems. Problems that are not widely known. I feel like keeping up with these stories, and learning more about the business of babies is a form of self education. The more I read these worst case scenarios, the better handle I have on IF. I see it as kind of a hope for the best, educate for the worst. If I stop ovulating right now, I know what the possible treatments are. I know what our game plan might look like. It would be hard, but I would be prepared. If I didn't know about Clomid, Femera, PIO etc, I would be lost and helpless. As it stands, I know there are solutions out there. On the other hand, life without children is not an option for me. Baby boards and blogs or not. Being ignorant on the subject will not make it hurt any less.

After our argument the other night about religion, another thing hit me. This is something that I have not yet talked to Scott about. I am a planner, we've discussed that before. He is not. He will be very involved when the time comes. Until then, he doesn't want anything to do with it. So I will wait, and leave it alone for the time being. But not here. Here is for me.

I want to raise our children in the church. I don't think this will go over very well. I want to expose them to a relationship with God and everything that comes with that. Sunday school, bible studies. I want them baptized. Nightly prayers, and prayers before dinner. Scott was raised with that, and at some point in his life made the concious decision that it wasn't right for him. I was raised with none of that, and came to the Lord on my own. I wish that I had been exposed to Him at a much earlier age. I want to give that to our children. If they, like Scott, decide it's not for them then that is fine. But it won't be based in ignorace of the Lord.

How do we come to a compromise? Church should be a family event, and I want it to be. But I need to respect my husbands beliefs and wishes. I cannot, and more importantly will not, force him to go.

So what do we do?

Here I sit, defeated... Pin It

3 comments:

Stacey said...

I am also an athiest. Charles grew up very religious and is a Luthern (might be spelled wrong). Like Scott I grew up with prayers and church on Sunday. I came to my decision on my own and after much thought and research. I have an intense interests in religion, I find the whole thing fasinating. Since I became pregnant we have had several very serious some very loud talks about relgion. I don't really think Charles understood much like you how much our lack of belief is as importent to us as your belief is. We have compromised, we will do church on occasion for sure on holidays with his family and prayers, but he will also be exposed to all sorts of faiths. I want him to learn that it is his decision and that many people think many different ways. I will not tell Colin that I'm an athiest. If he comes to that on his own I will support him obviously but I would support him no matter what. I dont think a pesons religion should be chosen based on how you were raised. It is a personal and importent decison you make for yourself.

There are a lot of good things to take from chuch, believer or non believer. Values and morals that a lot of our society has lost. But the belief in a higher power is not what gives you those, a family that exibits those are what teaches them.

I hope this made sense.

Anonymous said...

That is a very difficult position and I actually have no words of wisdom about it but since I have the time I'll try anyway. Religion is a very significant thing to people whether it be there or the lack of being there. I think it's really important to introduce your children to it because it plays such a integral part of everyone's life but you have to ask yourself questions before you try to force this family bond of it. How often do you go to church and when is Scott with you at those times? What about the religion do you believe has been important to you and what about the actual institution of religion do you think is necessary to you? If it becomes a huge fight to go to church self education about religion is always a possibility. There's nothing wrong in learning more about it because whether atheist believe in it or not the institution of religion has power and plays a significant role in our history and current lives and it doesn't pay to keep your children ignorant of it.



Oh and I want to comment on the fact that Scott wants you to slow down about the baby stuff. I think the blog is a great outlet for you and your research is important too but I also want you to be aware of how this all makes you feel. He just wants to protect you because to be honest whenever you speak about a baby it's never really with joy. I know you really want it but you need to find the joy in trying to create it, not the stress of it not happening. I know you have difficulties ahead of you but harping on them is not going to make the process easier for you it's just going to stress you out and then make having the baby that much more difficult. HAVE FUN MYA. Make this time special for you and Scott not work.



I have no idea where this came from but I stand by it as one of your oldest friends. I know you are one to be prepared but you'll have 9 months to prepare and you're a smart girl and determined, what you don't know then you'll find out. Besides to be honest I think you are prepared and you have family and friends around to help you in those times that you might get surprised by something. Be careful with the baby pressure on you and the baby pressure on Scott, pressure causes tension and there really is no need for that right now. Your newlyweds!!! I hope this doesn't make you mad or anything, all I want is your happiness and to be a good friend and tell you my truth. I'm obviously not always right but I want you to hear my words to help you figure out yours.


Alexus

Donna said...

There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said. I'm lucky in that Matt and I are both catholic and have the same beliefs. We agree on wanting private catholic school for our children. I have no idea what difficulties this is putting on you and Scott. On the other hand, I have a friend who is catholic and her husband is not. They're children attend church with her, her husband does not. They're compromise is that they're children attend church with their mother but as far as inside the house, there is no GOD. No dinner or bedtime prayers..........It works for them but I'm not sure it's the best idea. I don't have any other advise for you but you know I'm always here to help in anyway.