The No-No List for Pregnant Women

When you find out you are pregnant, everyone (your doctor, all the books you read, the tv shows, the internet etc) starts telling you about all the things you can't do/eat/say/think/drink anymore. I don't want to talk about that. I hear/read/think about this list ALL day long. So I have compiled my own list for those who have pregnant people in their lives. Please read this with humor, as it was intended. These are the things you may no longer do/say/eat/drink/think.

• Anything that I cannot do. If I can't drink a beer, do not drink one in front of me without explicit permission. This goes triple for things I cannot eat. Like sushi. If you eat sushi in front of me, I may have to let the hormones take control and deliver a well-deserved throat punch. You have been warned.
• Touch without permission. If it would not have been appropriate for you to touch my stomach before I got knocked up, it still isn't. Please refrain until I invite you. Which will not be for months and months I promise.
• Tell me I'm showing, unless I tell you first. Because really, I'm not. I know you think you notice a difference, but I promise you; you just never noticed it before. You're paying more attention to the whole area now. That's not a baby, that's just lunch.
• Ask if I'm having twins. I promise, if it was twins, I would tell you.
• Tell me you "knew" I was pregnant before I told you because I was gaining weight. If it would not be ok for me to comment on your weight gain, it's not ok to comment on mine.
• Ask me if it was planned. This is rude.
• Comment on my name choices. I honestly do not care if your ex hairdresser had the name I am considering. I like it, you don't have to. You name your kids, I'll name mine. Thank you.
• Ask me/tell me I should/n't eat/drink/do/say/think certain things. I promise you I know. Also, if you see me doing one of these things, please trust that I have called and cleared it with my doctor. So unless you can provide your own medical degree, I think I have the situation under control.
• Compare my pregnancy to any one elses. Just because Suzy Jane gained forty pounds, does not mean that I will too. That sucks that you had morning sickness until your third trimester, but to tell me that I'm going to go through the same thing is just silly. Every pregnancy is different.
• Offer me a glass of wine. I am pregnant, therefore I will not drink. I don't care if thirty years ago your doctor told you that it was ok. Mine didn't.
• Question my labor choices. Better yet, don't even ask me about them. Unless I bring it up to you, then it doesn't really matter how the kid gets out, does it?
• Invite yourself to the birth. If we don't ask you to be there, we don't want you to be there. (Side note, as of right now, Scott and I are leaning towards just the two of us in the room. If that changes, we'll let you know!)
• Ask if I've had the baby (I know, this certainly does not apply now, but for future reference). I PROMISE that we will call/email/text/telepathically let you know when we are going to the hospital.

I hope this helps someone with a pregnant friend/wife/sister/daughter/cousin! We are hormonal, and the rules seem so different now, but they are still so close to the same. Any other moms or moms to be have any ones I missed, leave them in a comment! Pin It