Can I admit here that I am scared to death?
Because I am.
I am so freaked out I literally cannot explain it any better than "oh.... shit". Please pardon my language.
For the better part of the last two years, all I have been able to think about is expanding our family. Having children has always been a top priority for me. My entire life I've just wanted to be a mom. Whatever else I was doing, if I was a mom I'd be ok. I've wanted this more than (almost) anything else in the whole world.
Well, here we are. Oh shit.
I wish that I could communicate the way that I am feeling better. I think it may be similar to going off to college. A combination of everything you've ever wanted and a healthy dose of what have I gotten myself into. The past year (well, really a year and a half) has been pretty darn focused on babies. But more in a very abstract way. I have never had a baby. I have only recently even HELD a new born, and if I'm being quite honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. And this scares the crap out of me. Add in the fact that in a short while, I have to figure out how to get him OUT of me and
I am terrified. Terrified of labor sure. But that is a fleeting challenge. I don't doubt that it will be exhausting, grueling, painful and frustrating. But it will also be short lived. The parenting part, thats what gets me. The fact that this little person will be relying on me for everything he needs for the next, oh I don't know, 18 to 20 years scares me to death. What if I can't stop him from crying? What if I can't feed him? What if I drop him? What do I do if he turns into one of those kicking biting swearing hellions like you see on SuperNanny? What if I end up with that kid?! I don't know how to do this!!! The choices we make as parents will shape the rest of his life.
How did I think I was ready to do this?
3 years ago