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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wow. Full Term.

Can I admit here that I am scared to death?

Because I am.

I am so freaked out I literally cannot explain it any better than "oh.... shit". Please pardon my language.

For the better part of the last two years, all I have been able to think about is expanding our family. Having children has always been a top priority for me. My entire life I've just wanted to be a mom. Whatever else I was doing, if I was a mom I'd be ok. I've wanted this more than (almost) anything else in the whole world.

Well, here we are. Oh shit.

I wish that I could communicate the way that I am feeling better. I think it may be similar to going off to college. A combination of everything you've ever wanted and a healthy dose of what have I gotten myself into. The past year (well, really a year and a half) has been pretty darn focused on babies. But more in a very abstract way. I have never had a baby. I have only recently even HELD a new born, and if I'm being quite honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. And this scares the crap out of me. Add in the fact that in a short while, I have to figure out how to get him OUT of me and

Oh shit.

I am terrified. Terrified of labor sure. But that is a fleeting challenge. I don't doubt that it will be exhausting, grueling, painful and frustrating. But it will also be short lived. The parenting part, thats what gets me. The fact that this little person will be relying on me for everything he needs for the next, oh I don't know, 18 to 20 years scares me to death. What if I can't stop him from crying? What if I can't feed him? What if I drop him? What do I do if he turns into one of those kicking biting swearing hellions like you see on SuperNanny? What if I end up with that kid?! I don't know how to do this!!! The choices we make as parents will shape the rest of his life.

How did I think I was ready to do this?

Oh shit. Pin It

4 comments:

Stacey said...

You can do this. You will be a wonderful mother! And the fact that you're worried about it is proof of that. Having your first child (which is all I can share about) is the scariest most wonderful thing ever! And there really is no better way to describe it then oh shit. There just isn't! I don't claim to know everything...or much of anything at all really but if you need anything I'm here!

Jenni said...

Mya, Mya Mya.. full term has come and the oh shits have started.. Yep I remember those days and my pregnancy was an accidental dose of reality.
But I know exactly how you feel and if its any relief your not alone. I don't think one first time Mom can absolutly say they were ready for this. I mean you're ready, you have all the gear, the bottles, the crib, the books, but what you don't have is the "actual baby" and My god its fuckin scary and i'm not sugar coatin nothin!! When your at the hospital its all good you have so much help and you almost feel like get the feck away but when you get home and its just you and Scott with baby webster. I wont doubt for a minute the words that leave your mouth will be alittle somethin like this "so what do we do now"? because those were mine and John's.
BUT you can do it!! You were made to do this and it will come naturally, No lie,no myth no old wives tale- Its your baby - it will come naturally-
His cries you wont be able to pin point right away but you will and only YOU will know what a certain cry means, or why he made a certain face etc..
So I know where you sit when you say OH SHIT.. Its very scary, but its worth every OH shit Moment.. :0)
P.S. It helps to cry when he cries to.. hahah :0)~

Ann and Chris Armenta said...

I agree with Stacy 100%! Having my son scared the crap out of me but was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I had the worst pregnancy and horrible labor but every panicked moment was so worth the end result. You will do amazing!

Samantha said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Me too.