I think that everyone goes through stages of being responsible. Or at least thinking we are. You think you're responsible when you're 13, and allowed to go to the mall with your friends. You're no longer a child at 16 when you are responsible enough to drive a car, and you're able to hold a job. That responsibilty only increases at 18 living on your own, and 23ish, after you've graduated. I can tell you that when Scott and I bought our house, I felt pretty damn responsible. Or when we got married, and I became a Mrs.
Its all horseshit, pardon my language.
There has been nothing in my life that compares to the responsibility I feel because of my son. This is forever. I will be responsible for this little person for the rest of my life. Long after he "is all grown up" and responsible for himself. Even then, I will be responsible for the way he was raised, and the values he holds.
I think it may be different for dads. Not that Scott isn't responsible. He is. He might be the most responsible person I know. But sometimes it feels like he has a switch. He knows that I will take care of Wyatt, so he doesn't need to be responsible for him, and he is free to drink or play poker or whatever else he wants to do. I don't have that switch. Even though I know he is fully capable of taking care of him if I'm not there, I never stop thinking about them. Wondering what they are doing, if Wyatt is hungry, cranky, tired or needs a diaper change. Since he was born, I haven't really been able set aside the responsibility of being a mother. I have left him plenty of times. To see a movie, visit with my mother, help Jamie at the bridal show, it goes on. I have full confidence in Scotts parenting ability. But that responsibility is still there. I haven't gotten drunk, haven't taken any real "me" time with out Wyatt in tow, haven't just let him be fine.
And I'm afraid I never will...
4 years ago