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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Disconnected

Lately I've been feeling very disconnected. I feel like I'm losing myself. This happened when I was planning our wedding, too. I  started feeling like I was being defined by our wedding. I wasn't me anymore, I was Scott's fiancee. Now, I don't even have that. Yes, I am Scott's wife. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, and friend. But what does that all really mean? I'm having a hard time with this. I think that my self worth is defined by what I'm doing. What I'm planning, creating. When I'm not working on a project, I feel a little lost. Like I'm adrift in my life, but going in no direction. Right now, I'm concentrating on babies. But then what? I know that I will be much busier when we do have children, but I'm pretty busy now. What kind of mother can I be? How can I teach my children to have a strong sense of self, to be confident in who they are, and be true to themselves at all costs, if I can't even begin to do the same? I'm worried that my life will never be enough for me. That my family,  my job, and my friends aren't enough. I get so easily bored. 

None of this is coming out right, but if you bear with me, it may all make sense in the end. I hope...

I'm a member of a private chat board with about 20 other girls I met on the knot. Some of them I count in my circle of best friends, some I don't really know all that well, and some of them I am friendly with. I feel very distanced from the board lately. Part of his comes from not being able to participate as much as I used to. Part of it is simply being discontent with myself.

I am having guilt pains just writing this. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my family, and I love my friends. I have a job I am happy with, 3 awesome dogs, a house I adore and friends I can count on. i just don't understand what is missing from my life.  Most days I think it's children. The other days I  worry that it's not. I am not the most patient of people by any means. I can't even begin to imagine what life with an infant will really be like. What if I'm not really cut out to be a parent? What if I'm just supposed to be an awesome babysitter? What if we have a baby, and it turns out I'm a horrible mother?! I've never been a mom before. Never had one person's well being completely in my hands. What if I drop the baby, or think it's ugly? You aren't supposed to think your baby is ugly. What if I'm that girl???

That was a lot of  "what ifs" in one paragraph. These are the things that run through my head. I have a constant fear of not being good enough.  I think that might where my need to plan comes from. If I spend a ridiculous amount of time planning something, I don't really have to do anything else. If I figure out every little thing we could possibly need, or that could go wrong, I already have an answer. Hopefully it's the right one, but an answer nonetheless. It takes the guess work out of decision making. I am less likely to make a mistake.  Which in normal people is a good thing. Preparation is a positive thing. But in me, it turns into a compulsion. I am constantly researching everything. When I don't do the research I am not happy with my choice, and I am prone to making rash decisions to try and correct it. Which begins a circle  that I can't find my  way out of.

I don't thik that there is anything I can do, say, hear, buy, research or  feel thatwilll help. But I pray toGod there is, and that I figure it out in a hurry. I don't think I can lose anymore of myself before I'm lost  forever... Pin It

6 comments:

Stacey said...

We have a lot more in common that I thought before...I hope that came out ok...

I am also a compulsive researcher, I need to know what is around the corner to feel prepared. It's part of the reason this baby scares me so much I can't possiably prepare for everything, there is to much that is unknown.

Also from what little I know about you I don't think you could be a bad mom, I think the biggest requirment is that you love your child, and you seem very full of love (hope that sounds less chessy to you then it does to me). Also I have the same fears, lately I've been scared to death I won't like my baby, what if he's a dick! He's not exactly reternable and some people just don't get a long, a lot of which don't get a long with me! I guess I just hope for the best...I hope this reads as helpful not annoying. And I hope you find in yourself what you need because I think honestly that is the only place you'll find it.

Lisa said...

I am really sorry you are feeling this way, and I am sure you are going to make a wonderful mother!!

Hopefully with you starting to attend church again, it will help you to find that inner peace you are searching for.

I am here if you ever need to talk!

PeasOut said...

Stacey, not annoying at all! I'm glad to know that it's not just me! i'm not even pg yet and I'm freaking out. :) I appreciate your support!

PeasOut said...

Lisa, I hope your right about church. I've been feeling like that has been missing for a while...

Kim said...

I know we've talked about this before.... I feel like I am not defined by something either. Joe has his art and music and that intimidates me... like he's too good for me because he has a passion. I want something that I'm passionate about dang it!!

You will be an awesome mother! I know I will be looking to you for answers when I have children because of all the research that you do! My mind has been opened to cloth diapers and moby wraps, etc., things I would never have considered until learning about them and being excited about them because of you!! Yes you can research all you want but somethings are just going to happen and you'll figure them out as you go, I have no doubt that you and Scott will figure them out! You both will be great parents!

Maybe you will feel better if you develop a closer relationship with God. I'm still planning on going to church with you on Sunday!!

Lisa Pobuda said...

Mya, I know the feeling you have... for me I recognize it as a feeling of needing something to new, or something to look forward to, a goal. Maybe the baby seems so far away at this point that you're lost inbetween a goal that you finally reached and a goal that is too far off to see yet, and you need something to get you by in the mean time.

This is a problem I have, I always need something new happening in my life (i wrote a blog about this at some point i think.) Don't get stuck at an inbetween stage, make goals for yourself... even if its just "I want to hang out with the knotties more often" atleast its something to work for until you're ready for whats next.
<3 Lisa