I feel defeated.
I feel like I had everything going in the direction that I wanted it to, and now it's stopped. And it hurts.
I'll start from the beginning.
It all started when Lisa pointed me in the direction of
this blog. It's one womans story of life, loss and God. You'll have to read it from the beginning to truly understand. It is possibly the saddest and yet most beautiful and encouraging tale I have ever seen, heard, or read. Her words affected me on many levels. As a woman, my heart ached for her loss. She is surviving things that I can only imagine in nightmares. As a stranger, I admire her openess and honesty. In a time where you would expect her to curl up in a ball and shut out the world, she has chosen instead to embrace it. As a Christian, I envy her faith. Through all the struggles and pain, she does not waiver. Many people in her situation curse Him, she thanks Him. Where many would have turned and ran, she calls Him closer. My heart breaks with the weight of not knowing Him the way she does. Of not embracing Him at every chance.
Those of you who know me well know that I am a reader. I live and breath the books I read. I once read a book about a girl who's legs were paralyzed in an auto accident, and for a couple of hours, I had actually convinced myself that I could not walk. When I was reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, I would catch myself at odd times during the day thinking to myself "I can't wait to get home and tell Hermione about this!" before remembering that these people were not my friends, not even real. Simply well written characters on a page. Needless to say, reading Angie's blog wan an emotional ride, yet I couldn't put it down.
Scott asked why I was crying. "Well, there's this lady in Tennessee..." and on with the story. I told him that my heart hurt for the pain she was put through, and that I was sad and afraid that I wouldn't know the strength of faith that she showed. And that I was sad that he wouldn't either. What I didn't realize, is that by saying that, I was invalidating his beliefs. Scott is an Aetheist. I don't think I really understood the full impact of that staement until that night. I knew he didn't believe, but I didn't know the full extent. And I didn't realize how offensive my desire for him to know the Lord wouldd be. I don't pressure him, I don't take him to church, I don't push him at all. I thought that was enough.
Seeing me so affected by a stranger triggered his protective nature. He doesn't like to see me hurting. He doesn't want me to do anything baby related until we know we have a viable pregnancy. He feels that if we don't get pregnant, it will kill me. So no more nest, no more baby blogs, no more Joey's. While I understand the sentiment, I have to disagree. The sites that I visit are IF related. Not all puppies and rainbows and flawless birth stories. These are real women, with real problems. Problems that are not widely known. I feel like keeping up with these stories, and learning more about the business of babies is a form of self education. The more I read these worst case scenarios, the better handle I have on IF. I see it as kind of a hope for the best, educate for the worst. If I stop ovulating right now, I know what the possible treatments are. I know what our game plan might look like. It would be hard, but I would be prepared. If I didn't know about Clomid, Femera, PIO etc, I would be lost and helpless. As it stands, I know there are solutions out there. On the other hand, life without children is not an option for me. Baby boards and blogs or not. Being ignorant on the subject will not make it hurt any less.
After our argument the other night about religion, another thing hit me. This is something that I have not yet talked to Scott about. I am a planner, we've discussed that before. He is not. He will be very involved when the time comes. Until then, he doesn't want anything to do with it. So I will wait, and leave it alone for the time being. But not here. Here is for me.
I want to raise our children in the church. I don't think this will go over very well. I want to expose them to a relationship with God and everything that comes with that. Sunday school, bible studies. I want them baptized. Nightly prayers, and prayers before dinner. Scott was raised with that, and at some point in his life made the concious decision that it wasn't right for him. I was raised with none of that, and came to the Lord on my own. I wish that I had been exposed to Him at a much earlier age. I want to give that to our children. If they, like Scott, decide it's not for them then that is fine. But it won't be based in ignorace of the Lord.
How do we come to a compromise? Church should be a family event, and I want it to be. But I need to respect my husbands beliefs and wishes. I cannot, and more importantly will not, force him to go.
So what do we do?
Here I sit, defeated...
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I'm so glad we were able to have while Scott and I are visiting.
Donnas shower went really well! About 40 friends and family members came to The Gardens to help celebrate with Donna. And Donna made off with a ton of loot! 
If I hadn't already known she loves to cook, I would have figured it out by gift number 3! She left with everything you could possibly imagine for your kitchen! She got new pots, pans, cutlery, wine glasses, griddle, turkey roaster, deep fryer, steamer, corningware sets, the list goes on and on! I don't even know what to do with most of that stuff! 
Today we bought corn. Those of you who have known me for a while may know that I LOVE corn. And I was not going to pass up any chance to have corn picked fresh from the farm! So we bought a dozen ears (for $4!!) from a man at the local skating rink out of the back of his truck. And he looked exactly like you would imagine he did. I felt very rural. We're having a cookout tomorrow, and I'm making my cheese dip!
